The Franko (American Version)
by Franklin J Stein
Summary: Scary stuff, from a dangerous mind. What happens when an ex college student reads philosophy instead of sleeping...


****Caution****  
DISCLAIMER: The following document is in no way insightful. In fact many call it trash, others say that is an insult to trash. However the trash takes it as a compliment. So take it or leave it, this is the garbage spewed forth from the brain of a philosophy lover, and dazed student. I in no way claim responsibility for lost or injured limbs, mental illness, or deceased relatives directly or indirectly caused by the reading of this document. Enjoy.....or at least try not to hurt yourself too much while reading it.  
  
  
Of the universe one can tell few things. One can say that the sky is blue, yet another can just as easily claim that it is green. So what can we say based on the example? Simply put, Rat poison does not make a good hot dog condiment. Furthermore people will postulate about the nature of time. Is time static, is time mutable, can we travel backward or forward in time? And if so, could we use that as an excuse to laugh at the fashion trends of our ancestors? These are the questions that kept me up at night, until I discovered a method that made time travel possible.  
  
Now, Being an avid time traveler, I have taken several vacation days from work (and at least 1 sick day.... don't get me started on the trouble of calling in sick when there has not been a phone invented), and with these days, I traveled back to ancient Greece, because the gyros are supposed to be really bitching, that and I heard there might be naked female wrestling (yep I got photos.... 100 bucks a pop). Now, the amazing part is that while there I made several important breakthroughs...  
  
1. Socrates did exist, and he wasn't just Plato's Imaginary friend  
2. Movies are correct, everyone DOES speak perfect English, and do so in a very   
humorous British accent.  
3. Those ancient Greeks DON'T take Visa.... Damn  
  
Now these aren't large discoveries that will blow away the historical societies, but they are worth mentioning. Also while mingling I chanced upon the one and only Socrates. We got to talking, and some idiot started writing down our conversation (later this was revealed to be none other than Plato). Not only that, but I got Socrates' autograph..... Now I only need Epicurus and Aristotle, and I have the whole Philosophers of Ancient Times Collection. Also this means there is a lost Platonic dialogue. Written in Greek (since apparently all they used it for was writing) "The Franko" was translated by me, in an attempt to tell the world about my conversation with Socrates. In the new revised American edition, which has been titled "The Franko (American edition)" I have reworked the translations, upgraded the software, and removed all references to the "Monkey in the Zoo" incident. Now, for your reading displeasure, I present to you, (Trumpets play, Drum roll starts)  
  
The Franko (American Edition)  
  
I love this. I get to write an entire back-story. Not just that, I get to do it in ITALICS!!!!! Can you feel the power? The best part is, no one ever reads these. So, theoretically I could put anything I want in here, and no one would care. Watch and learn.... "Look Ma, I'm in a Platonic Dialogue"... Oh forget that, she wouldn't care anyway. However I digress from the topic at hand, and that is my talk with Socrates. Now one would wonder how I arrived in ancient Greece in time to talk to Socrates. That is an interesting story. One day, while I was throwing old cans into the trash, I saw a time machine parked in my back yard. Not one to look a gift time machine in the mouth I hopped in. I played around with the dates and times on the control panel, and pulled a lever, and I was off through time. I visited many a time and place, but eventually went back to my home time, where the time machine promptly blew up. Unfortunately I was stuck in front of a convenience store instead of my own house. However there was a phone booth nearby, which I promptly hopped into. I dialed up my home number, and the Phone booth went sliding through time. When I was finally deposited again I found myself in one of the worst eras in human history. An era that made the worst atrocities done during the Salem Witch trials, look like a comedy act. That's right... I'm talking about the DISCO ERA!!! I quickly jumped back in my phone booth and dialed random numbers until I arrived back at the convenience store. This time traveling stuff is kind of hard. So instead, I just walked into the convenience store, and asked to borrow the stores time machine. In short order, I was whizzing through time and space. I finally stopped in Athens Greece, circa 400 BCE. I decided to place my time machine in an out of the way garage, which consisted of a lot of pillars. It seems the Athenians used this garage to store a giant statue of some guy with a beard. I then went in search of Socrates, to discuss with him, all things on the earth and above. I decided to start of with a small discussion of the Booyah Faith, since I was the founder some three millennia ago (damn you HAVE to love time traveling), I considered myself somewhat of an expert. I found Socrates sitting in the marketplace talking to the youth of the city. I was amazed to find out what he was really like. He appeared to be a drunk, who just sort of spouted out whatever cam to his inebriated little head, come to think of it that was how he sounded in his dialogues. Of to the one side, Plato sat, recording whatever Socrates said, and embellishing whenever possible. Well I have nothing left to say in this opening so I will stop now, and let the dialogue begin.  
  
Franko: Greetings Socrates.   
  
Socrates: Hello, sir. What is your name, and where do you come from?  
  
Franko: My name is Franko, and I came from the future.  
  
Socrates: Surely sir, you must jest. Travel through time is impossible.  
  
Franko: No, it isn't. Look at me, notice my odd garments. (pulls out cellular phone) and my communication device. These are clearly not of your time. These garments are not in style like the dress you yourself are wearing.  
  
Socrates: This, good sir is not a dress, it is a toga. And I suggest that you watch yourself, another slip like that, and I will have the guards drag you away.   
  
Franko: I apologize Socrates, I don't know what came over me.  
  
Socrates: See that it doesn't happen again.  
  
Franko: Certainly sir it must be so.  
  
Socrates : So, why do you come from the future to visit me? Do you seek knowledge? Do you seek understanding of the universe? Or Do you seek my 50% discount on all things in the marketplace?  
  
Franko: I have come to you Socrates, to speak of the gods. I wish to know what you think, for truly you are the wisest of men..... that and I need my parking validated.  
  
Socrates: Are you one of Meletus' people? Did you come to frame me? Well it won't work this time.... And I'm not validating any of his men's parking.....  
  
Franko: No Socrates, I am not one of Meletus' goons. I am here independently.  
  
Socrates (pulls out a large rubber stamp): Ok let me validate that parking then. (stamps the parking stub)  
  
Franko: Thanks. Now on to the purpose behind my visit. I am the prophet of the Booyah.  
  
Socrates (gasps): You mean you are Dark Hayoob?  
  
Franko (Grinning): Surely it is so. I take it you have heard of me?  
  
Socrates: Yes, all know the name of the great Dark Hayoob, but Dark Hayoob exists now, in this time line, in this very day and age. How can you be from the future and exist concurrently in the same time flow, at the same point in said flow? For it is theorized that if two objects composed of the same matter were ever to exist concurrently then the universe itself would end. Thus it must be postulated that either you are lying, or around you there exists such a temporal anomaly to protect you, and the universe from the catastrophe that would ensue from your being here in this time. Seeing as to where I am still sitting here, speaking with you, it must be derived that the universe has not exploded, you are not who you say you are, or someone had a really bogus theory.  
  
Franko: Well put Socrates, however you forgotten that, that is but a theory, so none of that is necessarily true. Much of that was postulated as a way to entertain people, mainly physics geeks. However in truth it is possible for two objects composed of the same mass to exist concurrently in the same time, in the same instant even. The only trouble possible to arise from this situation would be if the two bodies were to gaze upon each other, or even touch each other, if such an occurrence were to actualize itself, the result would be the transmogrification of the entire world into a giant wheel of cheddar cheese. Since the other me is currently in Siam, it is impossible for me and my other self to meet, hence the world will be safe for at least a few more years. Besides, If I were to meet myself and destroy the world, I never would come across a time machine, and thus the world never would have ended. This would create a paradox, the results of which could be infinitely worse then the end of the world.  
  
Socrates: Well that may protect the present, and to some extent the future, however in your desire to meet me, you have forgotten about the theory of infinite realities. In which it is stated that every decision, every minute difference, exists. so it would be theorized that your presence here, is in fact altering the future that you return to. So either way you go about it, you are royally screwed.  
  
Franko: Well....that is to say......er.......Shit.  
  
Socrates: Well said my friend. Now, what was it you came here to speak to me of?  
  
Franko: Well, Socrates, it would seem that I have messed up the future. Nothing I can do about it now. We might as well continue on our discussion, and disregard the total mess I have made of the future.  
  
Socrates: So you wish to speak of the god's, so which god do you wish to speak of. first? Perhaps we can begin with a discussion of Zeus, or Hera.....I know....you are looking to talk about Aphrodite.... you cad.  
  
Franko: Actually I have come to speak of but one deity, and that is The great and powerful Booyah.  
  
Socrates: I really should have seen that coming, you being the prophet of the Booyah and all.  
  
Franko: This is true Socrates. So what are your thoughts on the Booyah?  
  
Socrates: I believe the Booyah to be a noble idea. The laws and precepts dictated by the Booyah, would surely lead to a very moral, and peaceful society. However, the Booyah is by and large plagiarized from many early Eastern religions. Parts of the Booyah's manuscripts are actually ancient Egyptian pictographs, with the Egyptian god's name scratched out and Booyah placed in instead. So really it is just a mish mash of various religions, thrown in a large pot, simmered on high for 15 minutes, and served at a nice golden brown.  
  
Franko: Ok....so you don't like the Booyah?  
  
Socrates: No. It is not that. I personally enjoy the Booyah, but it is too much of a forgery, you might as well call it something stupid like Christianity.... now that would be a laugh.  
  
Franko: So you don't like the stealing of religious documents and claiming they are our own?  
Socrates: Let me put it this way. Is it just to copy a work, and pass it off as your own?  
  
Franko: Surely it must be so.  
  
Socrates: So would it be just to copy anything and call it an original work?  
  
Franko: It is so Socrates.  
  
Socrates: So then I could just have one dialogue, and repeat it for every problem I come across?  
  
Franko: It must be so Socrates.  
  
Socrates: WAHOO!!! That'll save me a lot of time later.  
  
Franko: In my.....  
  
Meno: Can you tell me, Socrates, can virtue be taught? Or is it......  
  
Socrates: Shut up Meno... I'll talk to you later. For now I must discuss a different matter with Franko here.  
  
(Meno walks off grumbling)  
  
Franko: .....as I was saying, In my time you're repetitive dialogues are famous. And there is actually whole classes taught on just your repetitive dialogues.  
  
Socrates: So do you think if I came to your time, I'd be able to score with some chicks?  
  
Franko: Huh?  
  
Socrates: Let's face it. I'm going on 70 here, and the Examined life does nothing for my Sex-amined life...you know what I mean?  
  
Franko: Um....Socrates?  
  
Socrates: I mean, I'm a man.... I have needs....and I just want to score....  
  
Franko: Socrates. Your sex life is of no interest to me. I just want to know what you're thoughts are on the Booyah.  
  
Socrates: Ok, very well. So where were....  
  
Euthyphro: I believe that piety is doing what I am doing, and prosecuting the wrongdoer.  
  
Socrates: Shut up Euthyphro.  
  
Euthyphro: Oh. So Piety is what is dear to the gods?  
  
Socrates: I said. Shut up Euthyphro!  
  
Euthyphro: So then Piety would be a sort of trading action between gods and men?  
  
Franko and Socrates: SHUT UP EUTHYPHRO!!!!  
  
(Exit Euthyphro Mildly Cheesed off)  
  
Socrates: Where was I?  
  
Franko: You were about to tell me that Justice is the advantage of the Booyah.  
  
Socrates: Well that only stands to.....(thinks a second) Wait a minute. That doesn't sound like something I'd say at all. You are trying to put words in my mouth. You foolhardy man. You know I'm not that dumb. (smacks Franko upside the head)  
  
Franko: Ow.... that hurt. What did you do that for?  
  
Socrates: Because. You are as dense as a brick, to think I'd fall for a trick like that.  
  
Franko: Admit it Socrates, you would have tried the same thing given half a chance.   
  
Socrates (Thinks a moment): Well I suppose you are right, maybe I judged you in haste.  
  
Franko: No problem Socrates, I won't take it personally.  
  
(Enter a large group of 9 Greek soldiers)  
  
Soldier 1: Socrates, you are coming with us!  
  
Socrates: Over my dead body, bitch.  
  
Soldier 1 (smiling): I knew you were going to say that . Ready guys? GET HIM!!!!!  
  
(The other 8 soldiers rush Socrates. The first one reaches him, and Socrates does a jump spinning roundhouse, hitting that soldier in the face. Meanwhile Franko grabs another soldier and then throws him into a nearby wall. As another one rushes Socrates, Socrates does the splits, and uppercuts the soldiers crotch and pulls his legs out from under him, the soldier falls and cracks his head on the ground. Franko then rushes a group of two soldiers, clothes-lining them, and after they fall jumping on each of their chests. The remaining three surround our heroes.)  
  
Soldier 1: Looks like you lose Socrates. (To the soldiers) Kill his friend, arrest Socrates.  
  
Franko. NO! Don't kill me!  
  
Soldier 1: I love it when they beg for their lives.  
  
(The three soldiers move closer. Socrates and Franko jump into the air, and seem to hover there for a second as a spectator runs an entire circle around the group. Upon completion of the spectators run, Franko and Socrates, kick the three remaining soldiers in the face.)  
  
Franko: Well, Mr. Bitch, it seems that you lose. Do you have any last words?  
  
Soldier 1: I will be back... and you will pay....(chuckles madly) ... oh yes you will pay.  
  
(The soldier begins to run away. Socrates takes off, easily beating the soldiers pace. He catches up with him, and smashes him in the back. The soldier reels and turns around. Socrates releases a barrage of kicks and punches smashing the soldier in the abdomen and head multiple times. As the soldier staggers around, dazed, after the ruthless barrage, Socrates lets loose one last front snap kick to the soldiers chin. The Soldiers head flies off and comes to rest several yards away.)  
Franko: Damn. That was fun.  
  
Socrates: Yeah. Pretty bitching fight scene. Maybe we can call more soldiers and do it again.  
  
Franko: No thanks, I've had enough of a workout today. I thought we were in real trouble there for a minute.  
  
Socrates: At no point in that entire fight sequence was I ever in danger.  
  
Franko: And how do you know this oh wise Socrates?  
  
Socrates: Well, If at any point I had been in trouble, my daimon would have informed me. My Daimon didn't speak, so I knew I was safe.  
  
Franko: What....is a Daimon?  
  
Socrates: My Daimon is a voice inside my head that tells me when my actions will lead me to harm. So far in my 70 years on this planet it has yet to lead me astray. I owe my life....no...my entire existence to that daimon. Thank you oh great wise Daimon, the greatest, most wise voice that has ever resided in my head. In your wisdom I find solace, in your presence I find safety. I am humbled by your righteous powers..... (falls into meaningless drivel at this point)  
  
Franko: A voice? In your head?  
  
Socrates: Yes, don't you have one?   
  
Franko: Socrates, I think you are quite off your rocker. You need some special help. I'll call up my friends in the white coats. They will take you to a nice place, with padded walls, and.....padded floors. A nice place to go so you can't hurt yourself, or others. I'm thinking a "vacation" of say 20 years Might do you some good. It will give you some time to rest up, and you won't have to worry about Meletus' men. Oh...and just remember "Don't eat the pancakes." Trust me on this one.  
  
(Enter men in white coats, they grab Socrates and begin dragging him away)  
  
Socrates: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I'm not crazy!!! The Daimon tells me so, so it must be true....the Daimon never lies!............. Justice is the advantage of the PIE! Piety is the state of being like...PIE! The Pythagorean theorem states that the ratio of the circumference of a square to any given point in triangle ABGH, where ABGH is a trapezoidal triangle; is equal to the square root of PIE!!! THE SEA MONKEYS ARE COMING!!! DON'T LET THEM GET YOU!!! THEY WILL CONSUME YOUR HEART AND STEAL YOUR SOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLL........  
  
(A man in white conks Socrates over the head with a small club. Socrates promptly slumps over and is dragged away.)  
  
(Cut away to a room, Socrates is sitting in a chair staring into a camera.)  
  
Socrates: I think Franko was trying to get rid of me from the beginning. He just saw me as threat to everything he held dear. So he waited until he saw me in a moment of weakness, and he pounced. I can't say as to where I blame him.... I mean I am a pretty intimidating presence....and the chicks dig the toga, oh yeah.  
  
(Cut away to a different room, this one containing Franko, also staring into a camera)  
  
Franko: I think getting rid of Socrates was the best thing I could have done. I mean seriously, the dude creeped me out, seriously.... always acting like he was the shit. Always like "Look at me, I'm the shit, just because I wear a fucking dress...er....toga". The man had serious problems... I just got rid of him before he could do any serious harm.  
  
Franko: Well my work here is done. I have vanquished the evil dragon, and restored order to feudal China. Further more I have stopped Socrates from corrupting the youth of the nation....  
  
(Enter P.O.D.)  
  
P.O.D.: We are we are.... the youth of the nation....  
  
( Franko pulls out a gun and takes care of P.O.D.)  
  
Franko: Damned P.O.D. always following me around and singing.... well ain't gonna sing no more. heh heh heh. Now any way, as I was saying. I have stopped Socrates' insidious plan, and restored order to the people of Russia. Now cue the funky music, and bring on my ever so luscious love interest, so we can have a passionate kiss while the screen fades....  
  
Author ( Dat's me for those idiots who can't figure it out): I'm sorry Franko. We don't have the budget to hire an actress to play your love interest.....we can give Socrates a wig if you want.....  
  
Franko: DAMNIT!!! You're telling me I don't get a busty tavern wench or something? Why am I always in the crappy low budget stories? I want my frikken lawyer.  
  
(Enter Euthyphro)   
  
Euthyphro: I swear that piety must be what is dear to the gods, and what is not, is impious. It must be so. It makes sense.  
  
Franko: Yes Euthyphro, however are there not many gods? So what if they disagree? And if they disagree, which gods choice is considered to make it pious? Would that make something pious and impious at the same time? This idea of piety would most surely call for the cessation of all existence.  
  
Euthyphro: First Socrates, and now you. Why won't anyone listen to me? I'm a smart guy. I know what I am talking about.   
  
Franko: Well Euthyphro, the reason no one listens to you, is because you, my friend, are a total idiot.  
  
Euthyphro: Well...now that you put it that way...it sort of makes a little bit of sense.  
  
Franko: Why thank you Euthyphro.   
  
Euthyphro: Don't mention it Franko.  
  
Franko: However you are starting to annoy me. Your presence is rather irksome. So if you wouldn't mind go back to humping sheep or something.  
  
Euthyphro: How did you know? Who told you? The sheep promised not to talk!!!  
  
Franko: Damn it man.... I was just kidding. I didn't think you really had your way with sheep. That is fucking disgusting..  
  
Euthyphro: Oh shit. (Exits quickly. The bleating of sheep can be heard)  
  
Franko (Shivering): Ewwwwwwwww. That is a new level of nasty.  
  
(enter Epicurus)  
  
Epicurus: Pain is bad, pleasure is... OMIFUCKINGOD!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT MAN DOING OVER THERE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Franko: Well....it would appear that Euthyphro decided to show his love for Lambchop.  
  
Epicurus: Huh?  
  
Franko: He's fucking sheep.  
  
Epicurus: Well I can see that..... but WHY?  
Franko: Well you would have to ask him...... and he seems a little busy at the moment. Hey Euthyphro! Epicurus here wants to talk to you.  
  
Epicurus: Take your time Mr. Euthyphro.... I'll wait.   
  
(enter Epictetus)  
  
Epictetus: Damnit. If he can't control his sheep humping, he shouldn't do it...(runs off and vomits.)  
  
Epicurus (watching Epictetus): That was not a pleasurable experience. However it did not appear to be painful... !! I've got it! I now have a fifth remedy! Vomit is not to be feared!  
  
Franko: Maybe. However if you are the one stuck cleaning it up...then my friend you shall know fear...  
  
Epicurus: Well, back to the drawing board. (sighs) and that was a good one too.  
  
Franko: Well my friend, you'll think of something. You are a philosopher, that is sort of like your job, isn't it?  
  
Epicurus: Yes Franko, I do believe you are right.  
  
Franko: Now it seems that we have all learned a lesson today. And our work here is done. Now I ask again, where is my busty, lusty Bar wench love interest!!!! Damnit! This is my story. I go through all the trouble of traveling through time. And when I finally find a nice time frame to check out, what do I get? A crazy old man, and a sheep-humper...  
  
Epicurus: What about me?  
  
Franko: You haven't left yet? Save for Socrates, and me of course, everyone was supposed to only have a few lines of dialogue and disappear for some reason.  
  
Epicurus: The author seemed to like me, so kept me on.....  
  
Franko: Oh. Well could you keep it down while I finish up my angry monologue?  
  
Epicurus: Ok no problem Franko.  
  
Franko: Thanks..... anyway as I was saying...... Where are all the pretty women that are in all the movies? And again, what do I get? NOTHING Zip Zilch Nada. When do I get my dues? When is it my turn? I want to get the girl....just once....maybe......please....could I?  
  
(enter Descartes)   
  
Descartes (in a stupid overdone French accent): Oh damn. It seems I must be dreaming again. Or am I dreaming? Maybe my real life is a dream, and my dreams are real. Or maybe I don't even exist. and my life is something my mind makes up to pass the time. Or maybe I'm led to believe this because God is a sick twisted sadistic bastard of a son of a bitch deity! Or maybe........  
  
Franko and Epicurus: SHUT UP DESCARTES!!!!!!!!!  
  
Descartes: I think therefore I am..... therefore if I think, I am...but if I don't think....do I cease to exist? I don't know what to think....  
  
Franko: I know what I think. I think you should shut up.  
  
(Descartes promptly shuts up)  
  
Franko: Hmmm Interesting. You know what Descartes.... I don't believe you actually exist (Descartes vanishes) Wow.. That was pretty cool. I think he is fake, and he vanishes. Maybe it is my perception that shapes reality...  
  
Epicurus: Now don't get any ideas. Remember....we are friends.  
  
Franko: Heh heh heh... you know, I don't think any of this exists. (at which point the world vanishes in a spectacular puff of smoke, leaving Franko in a world of perfect blackness), Blackness is no fun.... actually I believe this is pure red. (at this the perfect blackness from before becomes a brilliant blood red color) Wait a minute.... If I control everything...maybe for once I can get the .... (Franko suddenly has the first thought of his entire life) I am now in....... (The rest of this dialogue is about 400 pages long, and all of it has been censored due to inappropriate content, and questionable acts) 


End file.
